It's Official

I found out today that I have Fibromyalgia.  I'm full of weirdly mixed feelings right now, not knowing if I should feel happy about the diagnosis or upset about it. 

On the one hand, I'm so relieved to FINALLY have a name for what I've been feeling for so long.  When my neurologist told me that I have Fibromyalgia, I had tears in my eyes.  I've been feeling sick and tired for so long, and I was seriously starting to think I was crazy (or maybe a hypochondriac) because my primary care doctor couldn’t find anything wrong with me. I can’t even describe how it feels to know that there really is a physiological reason for my symptoms. 

But… on the other hand, I have a chronic health condition for which there is no cure.  That’s a lot to take in and I’m not sure that I have fully begun to comprehend what it means to live with this for the rest of my life.  I’m hoping that this blog will help me to sort through some of my feelings about my health condition. 
  
Now, I’m trying to deal with the feelings involved with finding out that I really do have an incurable illness.  I’ve been googling everything I can find about Fibromyalgia.  I’m learning a lot, but it’s not helping me to feel any better.  

I keep starting to think about the things that I can’t do anymore.  Random thoughts pop into my head. I think about when my husband and I used to go away for long weekends and we’d take hikes in the woods.  I can’t do that anymore.  I think about going to the zoo when my daughters were little.  I can’t do that anymore. Unless I get pushed around the zoo in a wheelchair.  Am I that person that gets pushed around the zoo in a wheelchair?  I guess I am. 

Then I start to think about more day to day things.  Can I go back to work?  (I'm currently on a medical leave.) If I don’t work, how will we have enough money to survive? What do I need to do to file a disability claim? This is all so overwhelming, especially since my brain does not seem to be working at 100% right now.  

Most of all, right now I’m feeling scared.  I’m so scared.  Logically, I know it will be ok.  I know that I can deal with this.  It’s not life threatening. I’ll be ok.  But really… I feel like a little girl right now and I just want my mommy to hold me.  I can’t stop crying.